Christmas Day

J opening gifts on Christmas morning

Playing with his new bounce back racer-- that doesn't really bounce back!

J with his new magna doodle Santa brought him!

Playing with new play dough set from Santa!

A blast from the past that Santa's elf couldn't pass up!

Today was our first Christmas with J-- our first Christmas as foster parents.... We planned and planned and now it's all done.... But, overall J had a great Christmas and got a lot of nice stuff! We talked about him letting us know he was awake so we could all come out and see what Santa brought together. I woke up around 7 am and went to check on him and although he was in bed he was awake... So, we all ventured out. He was in awe of the tree with presents all around. We opened gifts and then of course we started opening the toys one by one... When J had played with one for a few minutes he would want another one done. He loves everything (except the clothes but, what kid besides a teenage girl is excited about clothes right?) After each gift he said-- 'This is what I wanted!' Such sweet words when you worry and plan what to get and hope that it's what will make him happy on Christmas morning.

We did learn a lesson though. Listen to the Toys R Us lady when she tries to sell you batteries so you will be sure to have them on Christmas morning because you will most likely forget them and when the impatient 4 yr old wants to play with his new bounce back racer remote control care on Christmas morning you will have to send your hubby out to the Royal Farms down the street to get some and pay more for them! Hopefully this will be a lesson we won't forget! The above mentioned bounce back racer car doesn't live up to the name too much. It's supposed to flip over on the other side when it hits a wall and go in the other direction. It only flips for us when it hits the gift box with my new clothes from my in-laws that I haven't put away yet. Oh well-- J still loves it and had fun 'running' over the remote control truck he got from his family the other day when either my hubby or I were controling it.

We went to my in-laws for an early dinner this afternoon and to visit with my BIL and his family who were in town for the day and J curled up in a chair in the living room and fell asleep. I guess opening and playing with those toys in the morning wore him out! He slept most of the time we were there!

On a sadder note, a little girl named Sarah was taken from her house a few nights ago and they have been searching everywhere for her. They have a suspect in custody but, he wasn't cooperating... They asked everyone to search thier own property today to help the investigators. When we got home from my in-laws we searched our property and the empty field behind our house just to make sure. We didn't see anything but, found out later this evening they did locate her body..... I am so sad by this. You hear things like this happen and your heart goes out to those families and even though I didn't know her or her family to hear it happen in my own town really makes it hit home. My prayers go out to her family. I was thinking about MK after I heard about Sarah. MK was a daycare teacher and loved children of all ages. I hope MK was there to greet little Sarah and will look out for her. Next month will be a year since we lost MK. I can't believe it. I still think about her everyday. It will especially be hard on New Years Eve because my hubby and I spent last New Years Eve with MK and her family. Then 28 days later we lost her.

Hope everyone had a Merry Christmas. It was a good one here!

Christmas Eve

J eating his cookies and watching the Sponge Bob Christmas show in his new Christmas Eve PJ's!

Today was Christmas Eve... I had to work a partial day (thanks to an awesome boss who let us out early!)..... J had to go to my work daycare for the first time today because his daycare was closed. He did well.... Was very shy at first in the morning but, they said he had a good day (with a few minor incidents) and he said he would like to go back again-- good thing because he is signed up for New Years Eve too!

We went to my in-laws tonight for pizza and presents. We have a tradition to exchange gifts on Christmas Eve with them and we kept it this year too. My brother-in-law and his family will be down tomorrow for the day. So dinner is at my in-laws house this year.... I am off the hook! J had fun opening his gifts and even 'helped' (or unwrapped by himself) me with my gifts.... My MIL did great again this year picking out some new tops to add to my work wardrobe! I can't wait to wear them next week!

Yesterday J had a family visit with presents too, so he is going to have 4 Christmases total once tomorrow comes! Luckily they didn't duplicate anything we had already bought for Santa to bring! I think he will be very pleased tomorrow.... Tonight he kept saying 'this is just what I wanted' after opening each gift!

I will pop on tomorrow to post pics and tell you how it goes.... For now, I need to get Santa working on filling up the space under the tree! I am doing the stocking! Then I will try to rest although I am anxious to see my lil guy wide eyed tomorrow morning and ready to rip into more gifts!

Good night & Merry Christmas to all!

Christmas Cookie Making Time!

Using cookie cutters to make the cookie shapes

Decorating with colored sugar!

Some of our beautiful Christmas cookies!

Tasting our delicious treats!

Today's adventure was to make Christmas cookies for Santa Clause and us of course! I hadn't made sugar cookies in years let alone with cookie cutters! But, I knew J would have fun, so my sister came over to assist! J loved using the cookie cutters and enjoyed sprinkling colored sugar (which my hubby came up with the idea of making our own for the colors we didn't already have & it worked well! Just sugar & food dye!) and finally got to enjoy his treats once they were cooled out of the oven! We are going to pick out a few for Santa and keep those seperate so we don't eat his by mistake! We had fun doing it though and thats what counts! J was such a big helper!

We did go out once today to play in the snow but, last nights snow was the light fluffy kind not the wet snowman making kind, so J lost interest in it fast! We only got a few inches total.

Wow, another day closer to Christmas! I can't believe we are only a few days away! I am making my sister something special this year and need to get working on it! I think I will work on it when I am done here!

An Early Christmas Celebration & Snow Fun!

J ripping into the Christmas presents my Mom brought him!

J Playing with his new Hot Wheels car carpet! He loves it!

My lil sis & I on her graduation day! I am sooo proud of her!

J making his 1st snowman at our house!

Our masterpiece! Then a few moments later he destroyed it!

The last few days have been busy, exciting and fun!

Thursday 12.17.09 my Mom and her boyfriend arrived in town for my lil sister's college graduation which was Friday. We decided to celebrate Christmas a little early because my hubby & I don't feel comfortable making a 2 1/2 hr trip each way w/ J right now to celebrate Christmas. So, we decided to exchange gifts while they were in town. J had a ball opening the gifts! He ripped right into them! His fave was the color wonders coloring book & markers and his new Hot Wheels car carpet. It was a nice night with family... and makes me even more excited to see him on Christmas morning rip into his presents!

Friday 12.18.09 was both my lil sister's college graduation and J's first over night visit w/ his sisters foster family. I was so proud to watch my sister except her degree! She moved down here with my hubby & I almost 3 yrs ago to get back on track with college and she has done so well finishing with 7 A's this semester! It's been a long road for her and it has finally paid off! She will start grad school in the fall. She may be moving though and that makes me sad because I have enjoyed having her so close for the past 3 years. Then we took J for his sleep over at his sister's foster family's house. My hubby & I wanted to make it special for him so we found a 'Construction Area' theme book bag, sleeping bag, tent, and accessories to give to him before he went and he LOVES it! I let him take the book bag with his clothes in it and the sleeping bag (although I knew they had a bed for him I thought it might help having something of his too) and some of the accesories with him. He had a good time it seems... I am glad he didn't get too upset! His sister's foster family will be going out of state for the holidays so he will see her on Christmas Eve but then won't see her for a couple weeks until they return and we can set up another visit.

Today 12.19.09 it snowed! J has been asking for snow and he finally got it... I was sitting at lunch yesterday and realized I needed to get him some boots! I am so glad I did because he really used them today! He went out and played with his sister and her foster family in the morning before we picked him up then he & I went out twice at our house! We made a snowman but J kicked it down moments after I took a picture of our masterpiece! He loves the snow and wants hot chocolate to warm up with when he comes in. We are supposed to get more snow tonight (it's snowing as I type this) so I am sure it will be another day in & out! I usually dread the snow but, we don't really have to go anywhere tomorrow so, it will be nice to just stay home! J wants to make another snowman tomorrow and this one he wants to be bigger!

I can't believe we are almost 5 days til Christmas... My in-laws wrapped some of J's things for us but we still have some to wrap... I can't wait to put it all under the tree and wake up Christmas morning to watch him open them! Although I am nervous because when I picked J up from his visit @ DSS this week I heard an adult family member say they would be bringing presents to next week's visit.... I hope they don't duplicate stuff we already got for him.... But, if they do, we are prepared to make a last minute dash to the store to exchange and replace it with something else... We will see... The visit is Wednesday afternoon so who knows! Maybe we will get lucky but, I had my in-laws 'mark' each thing just in case so I can know which toy to grab and take back without having to unwrap each one!

Life is not fair.....

Things have been going pretty well with J lately.... Which makes me sad that he may be moving to another home sometime in the future (there is still a possibility he won't too... who knows!).... He gets emotional sometimes and goes to his room then comes back out but, no major meltdowns since last week visiting his sister (YAY!)....

Today we dropped J off to visit and my hubby & I got to spend the whole day together (well from 10a-5p at least!).... What did we do? We went Christmas shopping for J! I think we did well and I think he will have a good Christmas (at least I hope!).... When we dropped him off his sister's foster mom told me she found out J's Mom is pregnant again! What the-- (as J would say- he just says the What the part and doesn't finish it-- thank goodness!) Why is it that someone who can't take care of their children that they already have can get pregnant so easily but someone like me who longs for a child of my own to hold in my arms can't? It's just not fair!

For now I will love her child and care for him until DSS decides what will happen next.... Until then I will play 'Mommy' and 'Santa' with J and be grateful he is in my life for whatever time he is with us.....

This makes me think back to my own childhood.... I used to say 'It's not fair!' and my Mom would say 'Life is not fair!'..... I agree!

And the stockings were hung.....

Our stockings! The 3 cats, J's, mine, hubby's and my sisters (even though she doesn't live with us this year we still hung hers up too-- J wanted it up!)

J talking to our cat Jessie infront of our finished product!

We don't have a chimney so the next line for us is.... By the door with care. We have a 1/2 wall I call it when you walk in our front door and the top/open part is framed out. I usually hang our stockings up there. On the Saturday after Thanksgiving while my hubby was hunting J and I decorated the tree... He had been asking since Halloween to decorate for Christmas.... I told him our tradition was to do it the Saturday after Thanksgiving. It was just J and I and we put on Christmas carols and decorated our tree.... I don't think he had done it before so it was fun to have a 'helper' and I think he had fun too!


The past few weeks have been pretty good with J and his anger.... We have had less and less tantrums and more and more fun.... I think he is getting more and more comfortable with us... I found out last week that DSS wants to transition him to the foster home his sister is in after the holidays.... I do understand them wanting them to be together but, we have been doing visits w/ his sister the past few weeks and they don't get a long very well and he has told me a few times he doesn't want to go see her.... I talk him into it and he has more fun playing w/ her 4 yr old foster sister than his bio sister.... We are doing visits @ DSS with adult members of his family too... The first one he threw a tantrum afterwards and we were there over an hour getting him calmed down to leave.... Last week's he had some other issues.... I am keeping track of it and letting the case worker know.... I just worry about him finally getting comfortable here/with us and he will be moved again so soon then if the family gets him back at some point he will be moved yet again.... But, I can't stop it... I am sad thinking about it but, we have gotten to know the other foster family already with the visits and they assured me we can still keep in touch... I am trying not to think about it and just enjoy the holidays..... Some friends worry I am getting too attached.... I would agree if I ignored the fact he may leave but, I admit it will probably happen and I am not going to be an ignorant witch focusing on him leaving and be miserable while he is here making him miserable..... He is our lil guy for now and I am just going to love him and enjoy playing Santa for the first time in years! (my sis was 11 yrs younger than me so I had to help my parents play Santa as a teen for her sake!)


My hubby is still having a harder time adjusting to having a little one in our life and not being able to go and do as we wish.... I am ok with it as long as I get some breaks too like he does. I have left them together 2 times this week for a few hours and both times went well! They get to 'bond' too and I see them getting closer.... Of course before I could leave on Saturday to go to my friend's baby shower J made me pick him up about 10 times to hug/hang on me before I could leave.... Then he said I was gone too long! Tonight he did great too my hubby said... I am glad... The first time I left them together was a few weeks ago and J had a huge tantrum and I had to leave my meeting to come home quickly.... I still worry when I am out but over time I know it will get better..... I keep reminding my hubby that these changes in our life/relationship would happen even if it were our biological child in our life..... It will get easier I know....

So, with a little over 2 weeks until Christmas I am getting more and more excited to see J on Christmas morning!

I will try to blog more in the next few weeks and update on our holiday activities!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Our turkey we decorated as our 1st 'family project' w/ J

Playing nintendo DS with his 'cousin' H on Thanksgiving....

One of the napkin rings J & I made for our guests....

Today was Thanksgiving.... It went well.... J loved playing with his 'cousin' H.... They played and played hard! My Mom and brother got him a couple toys when they came which was a nice gesture and he loved them! He did really well with all our family and friends in the house.

This year besides my husband, family, job and health-- I am thankful for having J in our life for however long he is with us......

I hope all of you had a great holiday. Happy Thanksgiving!

Visits....

J had his first visit with his sister since he came to stay with us this past Sunday. It went well. At first he was shy around his sister's foster Mom and little foster sister and kept me close. Eventually I got him interested in puzzles with them and they all had a good time.... We will be doing visits each week and stretching the time out to give them more & more time together each time.... Eventually they want to be able to let them have full weekend visits too....

Monday was his first visit w/ 2 adult family members @ DSS since his placment with us. I was introduced to them and was glad when J ran over to me when he saw me and hugged me.... I was afraid he would be resentful to me.... He seemed to be doing ok as he said good bye to them although he did tell them he wanted to go home with them and but, they said he had to go with me..... He was playing with a toy he got at school and we were trying to tell him not to swing it so that it wouldn't hit anyone and then he had a tantrum. I am not sure if it was due to the visit or just his anger about being corrected. I was able to get good advice from J's sister's foster Mom because she has been doing this for a while and the case worker stayed with us to help him through it and gave some advice and tips....

I asked them both about J calling me Mommy sometimes (not all the time but, sometimes) and they said its ok and perfectly normal.... I would love him to call me it more but, I am not going to say anything just let it take it's course....

Since the visits things have been good. He has really been bonding w/ my hubby.... We took him to get his hair cut tonight and my hubby got his cut too... J told my hubby he wanted him to go first.... J wanted to watch and did a GREAT job when it came time for him! Tonight we were getting things around the house done because we are hosting Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow and he was helping my hubby being a good helper! He told me tonight that he wanted to be like my hubby and wanted to have the same name as my hubby (he is named after his father so, I am thinking he feels like he wants to have the same name as his 'Daddy' here?)

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving... He will be meeting several members of my family for the first time... I have tried to prepare him but, we'll see! My brother's girlfriend's daughter will be here... She is a few years older than J but I think they will get a long ok....

I went out to pool league with my hubby on Monday night and was talking to our close friends about how J was doing.... They told me I am getting too attached to him and they are worried about how I will be if he goes back to his family.... Too attached??? What am I supposed to do be a cold hearted woman??? I know it will be hard if he goes back but, I have to take that risk. This is my last 'chance' to be someones forever Mommy someday. I don't understand what they expect me to do.... I do love him... He is such a smart boy! And when he is not angry he is such a fun, good & loving boy telling me we are his 'best buddies!' Some of the things he says are SO funny! I told him he was 'too stinking cute' the other day and he said "I do not stink!"-- I didn't think about how he wouldn't understand that comment!

Well, I need to get to bed... I need to get some sleep... J doesn't sleep in at all and it's going to be a long, busy day tomorrow preparing my dinner....

Life is like a.....

Right now I would have to say my life is like a roller coaster... I don't like roller coasters!

We are having our good days and not so good days with J right now. I know it's understandable due to his life being turned upside down (again) 4 weeks ago... Yes, J has been with us 4 weeks 1 day.... Seems just like yesterday that lil guy was walking through our door....

J has been having some major behavior/anger issues in the past 2 weeks.... It has been happening at home as well as school.... Wednesday was a bad day for both..... I don't want to go into too many details but, it was bad! Like the downward of the roller coaster.

Today was a good day! The upward of the roller coaster! My hubby had somethings to do today and so J and I hung out, rented some new videos (Shrek & Shrek 2 were the pick this week) and played outside. Then this evening we went to a 'Winterfest of Lights' in a nearby town. J had a blast riding the 'train' and looking at all the light scenes.... He did very well waiting in the long line (which moved faster than I thought!), got a light up 'sword' and even got to see the big guy himself-- Santa. We got his picture taken and he told Santa that he wanted a remote control car. At the end he got a candy cane and a fill in the blank 'Letter to Santa'.... What happened to the child writing his own letter to Santa without being prompted. Here is how it reads:

Dear Santa,
So far this year I have been:
____ very good all of the time.
____ good most of the time.
____ good a lot of the time
____ well, not very good lately.

I am a lot older this year. Please remember when selecting my gifts I am ___ years and ___ months old.

Here is a list of some of the good things I have done this year:
1
2
3
4
5

Here is what I would like the most for Christmas this year:
1
2
3
4

Thank you, Santa, for reading my letter. I promise to be good the rest of the year.

Love,
your friend
_________________

I was laughing as I read it! I will sit down with J soon and let him 'fill out' his letter to Santa although he wants everything he sees on TV and I don't know how we will narrow it down to just 4 things.... We may have to send an attachment! Also, I don't remember telling Santa how old I was when I wrote my letter... Doesn't he know how old all the kids are if he is watching them to see if they are naughty or nice? And I wonder how many kids are going to actually choose: Well, not very good lately. Everyone knows 'naughty' children get coal and coal is not a good Christmas gift! I will let you know what J answers in his letter.

This roller coaster has spilled into my relationship with my hubby.... for 10 yrs it's only been he & I. It is an adjustment in general to all the sudden have a child-- a 4 yr old child to care for. We are doing ok but, sometimes it gets a little stressful especially when J's behavior isn't the best. I understand how he must feel like his life is topsy turby right now and sometimes that is hard for my hubby. We are talking it out though and getting through it. The plan is they are still considering us 'respite' and are continuing to look for a long term placement for the siblings so we don't know how long J will be with us.

It's hard not to be able to go out too pool league w/ my hubby every week when I can't get my sis to watch him. She is finishing her last semester of college right now and it's a heavy load so I do understand 100% and want her to do her best. I am so proud of her and can't believe in less than a month she will have her degree and I will be there to cheer her on. I also have waited over 4 years to have a child in my life and am willing to stay home and care for him.

Tomorrow we have scheduled J's first visit w/ his sister since he has been staying with us.... I talked to him about it tonight b/c J is a smart boy and I wanted to let him know. We are taking him to her foster home and will get him comfortable then we may run some errands while he stays and plays. He asked me if we would be picking him up and I assured him he would be coming home with us (because he seemed worried) back to our house... He seems excited to see her...

Tomorrow's conversation after his visit will be telling him he gets to visit w/ 2 of his adult family members on Monday afternoon. I am wondering how his behavior will be after that visit. That may be harder on him. We'll see. DSS is picking him up from school and taking him back to the agency for those visits and I will be picking him up. I hope he has a good time and it's not too hard on him. I will let you know how it goes.

Thanksgiving is on Thursday. We are hosting it this year. I am excited for my family that lives away to meet J and also nervous on how he will react to having so many people in our house at once... Several he has never met before. I have planned to make some decorations tomorrow that he can 'show off' that day to help him break the ice with them. I am also going to tell him his room is his space and if he gets over whelmed he can go in his room and no one will 'bother' him.

Ok, I need to get some sleep. He gets up pretty early in the morning! Good night...

5 years ago today....

5 years ago today.... I was a blushing bride..... I was married my best friend.... I felt like a princess in my gown.....

My hubby and I have been through good times and bad times.... We have grown closer through the tough times...... I love him very much and am so glad to have him in my life.

Happy Anniversary Babe! I love you!

11.11.99- Ten years ago today!

Ten years ago tonight I was at a friend's house for dinner and met my hubby. It wasn't a planned hook up... He stopped by to pick up my friends husband to go somewhere and they introduced us.... He walked in to my life and 'stole' my heart! Actually-- I gave it to him!

We clicked instantly and became a close couple who did (almost) everything together! We still do! It's been an adjustment to have a child in our lives because we are now learning that we can't go everywhere we used to go together... But, we are adjusting! We are on a pool league and I have had to miss a couple weeks to stay home w/ J and my hubby says it's not the same without me.... Being at home 'alone' once J goes to sleep is lonely for me too.... We just like spending time together.

I am so grateful for my hubby being in my life and thank God everyday for bringing him to me....

I love you Babe! Thank you for being not only my hubby but my best friend too!

Bubbles, Feathers & Smashmallows......

I had to take J to the doctor yesterday for a follow up from last weeks visit. He wanted to know if he was going to get a needle.... I told him I did not believe he would need a needle.... To sweeten the pot and make sure it went like last week I told him if he did good and let the doctor check him out I would get him more bubbles for his bubble toy he got on Sunday that came with a tiny jar of bubbles that lasted no time.... So, after the appointment we went searching for bubbles.... Store #1- no luck, Store #2- no luck.... My hubby called while in store #2 and I told him I needed bubbles! He offered to go to another store and look for bubbles.... He called me while I was on my way home and said 'I struck out on bubbles I think-- they are seasonal'-- SEASONAL??? I had no clue that bubbles had a season.... What were we going to do now? My hubby offered to go to another store to find some bubbles.... When he arrived home he had BUBBLES!!! We were saved! He found them at the first store he went too... In the wedding section! If ever in need of bubbles and it's not bubble season, keep this in mind!

J brought home a 'family' homework project home to be completed this week. It was a picture of a Turkey and we have to decorate it.... It gave suggestions of things families have used in the past and I read it to J and he wanted to use feathers.... While on my hunt for bubbles I was also looking for feathers! Store #1 & #2 both did not have feathers either! My wonderful hubby saved the day there too and found 2 types of feathers for J to decorate his project with! Whew another disaster diverted!

While in store #2 J passed by a display of mini marshmallows... He asked if he could have some because 'I love smashmallows!' Who wouldn't let him have them after such a cute and sweet way of saying marshmallows? So, of course I got them for him.... We worked on saying 'marshmallows' instead of smashmallows but, I think it's cuter the way he says it now!

So yesterday was filled with bubbles, feathers and 'smashmallows'!

The honeymoon is over.....

This past weekend has been a rough patch.... since seeing his relatives while leaving day care on Thursday afternoon J's behavior has gotten progressively worse ending the weekend in a huge tantrum last night.... Over nothing... J has been calling us names and telling us repeatedly he doesn't like living with us.... His tantrum was so bad that we called the emergency number but he ended up calming down so we decided not to have them come out. I spoke to his case worker first thing this morning and she had already been notified about the incident and said we did everything right and that 'the honeymoon is over and you are seeing the real J now'.... I asked when they will make a decision what his plan will be-- will he stay or will he go? She said they are not sure when they will make the final decision... They are taking a lot of things into consideration....

A friend asked me what I want to happen.... As hard as the angry times are (and last night was bad let me tell you!) the loving/cuddly times are wonderful! He can go from happy/loving to angry in a matter of minutes and back.... I don't want to give up on him.... Maybe that is part of his problem-- maybe everyone has given up on him and that can't be good for his self esteem right??? I suggested therapy for him (I used to work for a provider that had a mental health department and worked in it for a while so I know a good 'play therapist' that works with young children) but, she said they don't want to start it until they know what his plan is.... HELLO! He needs to get some help & soon!!!! I am going to leave it in their hands..... If he is meant to stay he will stay... If he is meant to go he will go and I will be sad and miss him but after all I want what is best for him....

My hubby is doing ok with all of this.... He stays in the background and lets me handle the tantrums for the most part.... He misses us being able to go and do whatever we want and I do too but, I also know that having a child in our lives (biological or not) means sacrifice.... We will be celebrating 10 years together this Wednesday (11/11) and 5 years of marriage this Friday (11/13).... For 10 yrs it's been just the 2 of us... Now we have someone else to think about, care for and love.... And it is an adjustment I must admit..... But one I have been planning for over 4 years now.

So as we live day to day waiting for the decision to be made about J's plan..... We now know 'the honeymoon is over!'... This is the real J!

Random things from this week....

Our lil guy can be sooo sweet one minute and be sooo angry the next.... I know that this is part of being a 4 yr old... especially one who has had a rocky family life for most of his young life.... I enjoy the sweet times and just try to get through the angry times.... Today was a day filled with a mixture between the two....

We found out this week that J may not be leaving us on Monday... They have not finalized his 'plan' yet and we don't know when/if he will be leaving now.... So, we are just back to living day to day waiting for an answer at some point.... His daycare is closed the Friday after Thanksgiving and the case worker told us we should make plans for him that day if we both have to work... I am guessing that was telling us that he may be here through Thanksgiving....

J is starting to talk about Christmas now.... Tonight as I was putting him down to bed he asked me where he could go to see Santa and who would take him.... I told him I thought someone would take him... He wants to know who.... I can't promise that we can in case he isn't here for Christmas.... It's hard not knowing.... I am trying not to promise him things that I am not sure I will be able to do because if he isn't here the next family may not want/be able to do it and I don't want to let him down.

Thursday afternoon when I went to pick him up from daycare 2 family members were there (this is a big no no!) when we were walking out... They briefly spoke to J and then left.... I wasn't sure how to handle this so, I called his case worker once I was in the car and notified her..... J wouldn't speak or look at me for almost 2 hours afterwards.... I don't know if he was mad at me, them or both..... I am sure it was hard for him... since then he has been talking about his family more.... I try to be supportive but, not sure what to say sometimes.....

When J is having his sweet moments he loves to cuddle and I don't mind! Tonight he called me 'Mommy' once and I am not sure if it was on purpose or by mistake... I didn't really say much... wasn't really sure what to say..... I am not his Mommy and he calls me by my name usually but, maybe he is starting to feel differently or it could've been a slip... I will see if it happens again and ask the case worker for advice on how to handle this..... He makes sure I hear him when he tells me he loves me now.... It's so sweet to hear!

Sorry I haven't been writing much lately but, some days it's exhausting..... I am not complaining though.... I am loving this.... It is a little harder jumping right in with an active 4 yr old.... Most Mommy's start with an infant and gradually adjust to them getting more active.... We jumped in feet first! I am not complaining though.....

Stupid, Ugly Family......

They teach you in PRIDE class that kids will say some hurtful things while they are staying in a foster home as a defense tactic.... Tonight J said "I want to live with my family... I don't want to live with a stupid, ugly family....." I remembered what they said in class so my response to him was: "I know you would like to live with your family but, right now you can't so we are taking care of you for a while. Maybe in the future that will be possible again." After taking his bath he was back to hugging and loving on us... So we were only a stupid, ugly family for a little while!

Yesterday I had to take J to the Dr... I was a little nervous but, he was so good and did very well... All he wanted to know was if he was going to get a needle-- no needles-- Whew! Dodged that bullet!

J is also starting to bond more with my husband.... He went from shaking his hand/giving hi five when leaving or going to bed to hugging him like he does with me.... I think its so cute that he is finally getting close to my hubby but, know it will make it harder on all of us when he leaves.... He has started getting more attached to me as well.... I can't help it though... I can't be a distant person..... I care too much!

We are still expecting J to leave us next week... We wrote an e-mail to the worker asking what the plan is and how it would happen.... We would also like to prepare J but, don't know specifics yet so it's hard to do that....

I can't believe that next week we may be a 'childless' couple again.... It's been fun having J here and I will miss him.... Yes, there have been good times and not so good times... But, I would do it again in a heart beat!

So, I am going to enjoy the next several days with him..... because I know next week will be here before I know it.

Happy Halloween!

"Trick or Treat!"

Our lil Incredible Hulk and his jack-o-lantern!


Getting his face painted by the clown at 'Trunk or Treat' hosted by my hubby's work

Using his muscles to play the pop the balloon game

Playing the throw the ball game!

Our little guy wanted to be Spiderman but, when we went to get it, they didn't have one in his size so, then he saw the Incredible Hulk and wanted that & I think it was soooo much cuter anyway! He loved trick or treating & did a great job! Everyone loved his costume too!

Earlier in the day my husband's work hosted a "Trunk or Treat" and J had a blast! There was a clown doing face painting, cars to 'trick or treat' at and games to play.... It was a fun and safe activity for the kids!


I really enjoyed Halloween this year being able to share it with J and see the joy in his face when people 'pretended' to be scared of him.... He would take off his mask and say 'It's just me' to show them he wasn't really scary! Everyone would point to me and tell him to share his candy with his Mommy and I held my breath each time waiting for him to tell them "She's not my Mommy!" but he didn't... He would just say "Thank You" and run down the steps to show me what he got....


I know Nov 9th will be here too soon but, in the mean time I am just living in the moment and enjoying our time together!


Hope everyone has a....


HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

Wednesday....

Wednesday started out with a call from the case worker asking how J has been doing, apologize for the confusion on the meeting yesterday and clarifying a few things I had left a message about the day before.... She said she would try to call me around 2:30 pm with an update..... About 3 pm she called to say they are still working on finding a new placement for the kids and he would be with us a little longer and she would keep me updated.... A little before 4pm (I was in an appointment) I missed a call from the agency.... My heart raced as I listened to the voice mail... They needed me to call them back... I called and the supervisor told me they found a placement for him but they couldn't take them until Nov 9th. She said J would stay with us til then. I've got more time with him-- I know what you are thinking... It will be harder to say 'good bye'.... But, I am grateful for more time.... I might regret it later though....

So, we had to do some shopping tonight! Halloween is Saturday and we needed a costume.... I won't tell you what he picked but will post pics Saturday night.... He had a little tantrum in the store but, we made it through it.... and he is sound asleep now.... I think he was just tired.... I am exhausted! Its hard going from a house with no kids to a house with a 4 yr old... But, I am grateful for it!

That's the update for today... A little more time with our lil guy!

Taking things day by day.....

No real decisions were made today at the meeting-- that I didn't get to attend.... The meeting I was 'invited' too...

I called the case worker first thing this morning to see approximately how long the meeting would last so I could let my boss know how long I would be gone... Although I didn't receive a return call form her, I went to the agency anyway. Checked in, and was told to have a seat.... 10-15 mins later I finally see her.... Then she comes over and softly says to me: 'Sorry I didn't return your call..... I was in a meeting all morning then went to lunch.... My supervisor told me this meeting is just for the family today... We really don't know what we are going to do yet..... I am sorry'-- WHAT??? Why couldn't she take 30 seconds to call me so I didn't have to leave work for NOTHING!!! I was upset but, in a lobby full of people just quietly left.... I asked her to call me and let me know how it goes.... She did but, I missed the call... The message said basically that no decision was made at today's meeting... J would need to stay with us tonight and possibly tomorrow night.... They will keep me informed.... I thought they had a plan on Monday now today no plan? Things change day to day.... Now, I have to live my life day by day.... I wish they would just say-- Ok, one week from today he will be moved or something like that so I know something besides being anxious every time the phone rings.... Ugh!

I dropped off/picked up J at before/after school daycare today.... When the daycare provider opened the door when I came to pick him up he was excited to see me... What a feeling that was!

Tonight we went to my in-laws and had pizza with them.... J was a little uncooperative when we first got there but soon warmed up and ate some dinner.... The rest of the night was good....

I love little 4 yr old talk.... How they mix up their words and it sounds so cute! J says the cutest things....

Each night he gets his bath, eats his snack, then it's bed time... We brush his teeth, I read him a book then we say good night.... Tonight as I walked out the door he yelled 'Love you!'..... Oh how he melts my heart!

So, I am taking things day by day.... enjoying the time I have with him.

Monday, Monday....

This morning my hubby and I took J to preschool... We got to see his room and meet his teacher... She is very nice and seems very caring.... When we went to leave, J hugged me tight and for the first time gave me a kiss on the cheek.... I have been very careful to let him decide if what/when he wanted to show 'affection' to us... Then I got to work and the case worker called to see how the weekend went.... She also told me that J will most likely be with us a little while longer but eventually leave..... They want to keep him, his older sister and a younger sibling together (younger sibling isn't removed yet but, I guess they think it may happen soon) so they will be looking for a foster home that can care for them all.... I totally understand but, feel bad because we only have room for 2 children so we can't even have the option...

I tried to be strong but, I have to admit I broke down a few times at work today (thank goodness for having my own office now) thinking about how he is too young to understand that we do care for him, and that he didn't do anything wrong.... it's nobody's fault.... It's just a crazy situation.... There will be a 'team' meeting tomorrow that they would like one of us attend.... I am going to see if I can get off to go.... I just hope I can be strong through it....

My hubby is sooo supportive.... he knows this will be hard for me..... I thought I would be ok when I said yes but, you just see this cute little boy that is lovable and you just forget for a moment that he may leave you...... I don't know if I can go through this again.... But, I am not sure I can give up my dream of being a Mommy....

I hope I can get the strength to get through the meeting tomorrow ok... I will let you know how it goes....

Thanks for all the thoughts and prayers..... They are much appreciated!

2nd full day w/ J!

J looking at some animals at the zoo.
Swinging on the swings!

Climbing like a big boy on the ropes!

Today we took J to the zoo and playground in our town.... It's just a little zoo but, big enough to see some animals... there is a playground right next to it so we let him play there too... He had fun and it was a nice fall day to go... We saw monkeys, alligators and bears-- Oh my!

On the flip side we did have a few trying times today but, we made it through with only 1 time out! I think it was harder on me to make him take the time out then it was on him (doesn't everyone say that??) But for the most part he is a very good & loving boy who seems more attached to me than my hubby....

We will find out tomorrow what his plan is.... I just want to know... I am taking it day buy day at this point....

Well, he is asleep and now it's time for me to go to bed too... First day getting a 4 yr old and myself ready for work/school.... We are both going to drop him off so we can find out some info in case we have him for a bit longer....

Above are some pics from today. Enjoy!

First full day doing foster care.....

J Riding on the wagon after buying pumpkins!
J pulling the wagon to the register to buy his pumpkin- such a big boy!

Picking out his pumpkin after having fun in the maze/play area!

Going in the hay tunnel!

Leading the way through the corn maze!

Today was our first full day with J as foster parents.... The weather called for rain all day so I wasn't quite sure what we would do. We woke up and made pancakes.... I made J's in the shape of Mickey Mouse and he loved it! Then we got ready and since it looked okay out we decided to go to a local farm and get J a pumpkin and they also had a corn maze there for kids too... We got there and they had hay stacks to climb on & through, mazes, games.... so much to do! We did it all! J had so much fun! Then we let him pick out his own 'big' pumpkin and also a smaller one that he can carry too. Then we went to where my sister was working and J got a spider painted on his face.... Then we went back home to watch-- more Sponge Bob! J loves Sponge Bob! We spent the rest of the afternoon at home and this evening my sister came over and helped J carve his pumpkin we bought him.... All in all it was a great day! J told me he likes staying with us and tonight during his bath he even said the 'L' word! He is such a good boy! Don't get me wrong he is a 4 yr old and has to be redirected sometimes but, overall he is good! I am anxious to see what will happen come Monday.... I keep telling myself he may have to leave, but, wouldn't mind if he stayed a bit longer :0) Above are pics from today.... for privacy reasons I won't show his face but, you can see he had a blast!

'The Call'

Today I was on my way home from work and my cell phone rang.... I saw the number and knew it was DSS! I answered not knowing what the result would be.... The resource worker introduced herself and told me she was calling for a possible placement... She told me that a 7 yr old girl and 4 yr old boy were being removed from a relative placement..... She told me all the info they had about both and said she had a placement for the girl but, that home couldn't take both so she wanted to know if we would be willing take the boy 'J'.... it's respite care right now but, will find out next week what the 'plan' will be. He is an adorable little boy. When the worker dropped him off she warned us he can be a handful and we have to be 'stern' with him but, she said he might 'honeymoon' good with us because there are no other children in the home. He arrived about 6:45pm and since then we have watched Sponge Bob, got a bath & PJ's on, ate some cookies and milk and now he is in bed.....

1st night down and so far so good.... Now, we have to figure out how to entertain him for 2 days! It's supposed to rain tomorrow so, we will have to find something inside to do....

So, we got 'the call' we had been waiting for and I am ok knowing this might be just temporary and he might leave in a few days...

I am going to try to get some sleep now! Big day tomorrow entertaining a 4 yr old!

This is me being Patient....

(the picture we used for our home study file w/ DSS)

(The approval letter that came with our license)

(Our license!)

(The envelope our license came in! On my hubby's birthday & I let him open it!)

So, several posts ago I mentioned I am trying to learn how to be more patient and wait for things to happen.... It's still hard.... Yes, we are finally licensed..... But, everyday each time the phone rings I take a deep breath thinking-- This could be the call that will change our lives.... Of course that call hasn't come yet.... No calls from DSS have come yet....

I thought while I am 'waiting' I would post some pics... I have seen/read/followed a few blogs that people 'document' every step of the process and then plan to print it out for their child to have as a keepsake.... Above are pics I took when we got our license in the mail! Sorry about all the white spots but, I didn't want some info to be shown on here for privacy reasons! This was the only way I could think to block it out-- sorry it's a little messy :-)

Hope you enjoyed the pics.... sorry I didn't post them sooner! Hopefully we will get a 'call' soon!

We got mail!

Our official 'license' arrived in the mail today! It's my hubby's birthday so I let him open it! It is so nice to be done w/ the home study process.....

Thanks for the congrats and good wishes!

Verbal Confirmation Received!

The day we have been waiting for since January came today.... Our home study case worker called me this morning and told me we have been approved and she is putting our license in the mail today.... YAY! I was SOOO happy.... My hubby's birthday is tomorrow and I was hoping we would be licensed by then, and we are!

Although I am very happy and excited this day has come, I keep telling myself it could take some time to get a placement at all let alone one that is within our requests....

But, for today this feels great! We couldn't do anything else with out this news so, I am happy! Secretly hoping a placement comes soon though ;-)

Almost there!

I got a call from our home study case worker this past week.... She wanted to make an appt to meet with us to have us read our draft of our home study and if all is well, sign off on it.... I am meeting with her tomorrow at 8am.... My hubby can't get off work to make the appt so, she will leave it with me and I will have him review it, sign off and return it to her office on Tues.... She says Wednesday morning she will take it to her supervisor and once it's approved, she will mail out our license.... She says we might have it by the end of the week....

With that said, then a new waiting period begins.... We never know how long it will take to get a placement... It could be hours, days, weeks or months! But, at least we will be certified when it happens!

We are almost another step closer to our goal! Can't wait!

So far so good!

This past week we had 3 visits/inspections:

Monday 8/10- Fire Marshall inspection- No violations!

Tuesday 8/11- Home lead test w/ our home study case worker- No lead!

Wednesday 8/12- Sanitation/Health inspection- Only violation that I know of so far (still waiting for water test results which take about a week she said) is our hot water temp was 130 degrees so we have to turn it back to 110.

All in all we are thrilled that that is all that went 'wrong'.... When the case worker was here she said once she gets our reference checks finished and the reports from this week's inspections she will finish writing our narative and then schedule a visit for us to 'read' it.... Then we should be certified... She hopes to have us completed by the end of Aug/ begining of Sept!

Wow, sometimes it's crazy (in a GREAT way though) to believe that we will soon be done this process.... We have been working on this since January and with in the next month (hopefully) we will be certified and could accept a placement if one becomes available!

So, so far so good.....

Inspections scheduled!

We finally got the calls we have been waiting for! We have our health and fire inspections scheduled for next week! Monday afternoon will be the fire inspection and Wednesday afternoon will be the health inspection.....

I have a few finishing touches on our house to prepare for both this weekend (finish child-proofing the house and finalize our fire escape plan) and hopefully both will find our home fit for a child and then once our case worker finalizes our paperwork and reference checks we will be certified soon!

Maybe by my hubby's birthday in September we would be available for a placement when one comes available :-)

You know you are getting old when......

We are still waiting for the fire and health inspectors to call and set up our appointments.... Since nothing new has happened since I last wrote about the Foster Care/Adoption home study process I though I would share this story with you..... I hope you don't mind!

About 10 yrs ago when I was new to the area I now call my home, I was working at a daycare. A family at the daycare was looking for a baby sitter and one of the administrators (whom I had done some baby sitting for too) suggested me.... We talked and I began sitting for them.... I got very close to this family and for a couple of years would take the children from school (where I worked) to either their house or one of their parents @ work and also baby sat on weekends.... When I decided to leave the daycare and pursue another job opportunity I lost touch with them and didn't baby sit for them anymore... I have always thought about them and wondered how they were..... but, after some time I let life get busy and didn't keep in touch. The last time I saw these children they were 8 (a girl), 7 (a girl) and almost 4 (a boy) yrs old. That was in December 2001....

So, over the weekend I was on Facebook and saw a 'suggested' possible friend and it was a 'baby/child' that I knew from the daycare.... Last time I saw her she was about 4 yrs old.... Now she is old enough for Facebook? No way! Curiosity got me so, I looked @ her friends and saw 2 other 'babies/children' from the day care... These 2 I knew when they were just a few weeks old... Wow! I can't believe it... These children probably won't remember me as much b/c I spent less time w/ them so, I didn't/don't plan on contacting them....

So, it got me thinking.... Does anyone in the family I was so close too have Facebook pages? Guess what? 3 out of 5 of them do! The Dad and the 2 oldest. I told my hubby about finding them and took 24 hrs to decide if I should contact them or not.... It's been almost 8 yrs since I saw/talked to them..... Would they remember me? Would they care? I did promise them I would keep in touch and didn't.... Would they be angry? Would they be glad?

I decided to contact them.... If I got a negative response back I would leave it alone but, I just had to know! So, last night I friend requested them and sent them each a message (reminding them who I was) and all 3 have accepted my friend invite and 2 (the Dad & the middle child) have sent me a message sounding happy that I have gotten back in touch with them....

Why didn't time stand still? How come these children are pre-teens & teenagers? The middle girl told me she is Oh my gosh!-- starting high school this year! Yikes!

So, here are 2 answers to my title:

You know your getting old when.... the kids you used to watch Disney movies with now have Facebook pages!

You know you are getting old when.... the kids you used to babysit could now babysit your (future) child/children!

I lied... I still don't 'feel' old! But, I still can't believe that the children I once knew are growing up and not still 8, 7 and almost 4 like the last time I saw them :-)

Another year gone....

Today is my birthday.... I am 33 yrs old today.... I love my birthday and to everyone I know I am the 'only' person over the age of 21 that still loves their birthday.... It's MY day.... My special day.... As a child I had to 'share' the other holidays with my siblings and cousins but, my birthday was MINE! All MINE!

My birthday does bring some sadness though... A month after my 29th birthday my hubby and I decided to start our family and 'threw away' the birth control..... Call it being pessimistic but, I always had a 'feeling' that I would not get pregnant right away.... I had no medical basis for this until several months after we started TTC but, I think I always knew..... I tried being optimistic though and was hoping to be a Mom before my 30th birthday (or shortly after).... By the time I was 33 I would have 2 kids or be pregnant with my 2nd at least right??? Almost 4 yrs later I still have no baby or child to hold in my arms and call me 'Mama'....

I am still very hopeful that our foster care/ adoption process will bring us to our child.... We met with our case worker last week and it seems we only have the fire and health inspections left and we could be done our home study process.... She will check into why they haven't called yet.... So, we are still 'waiting'..... Do you think someone is trying to teach me patience?

So, I am 33..... I am not a Mom yet but, I am: An Infertile person living with Diabetes and Hypothyriodism that has High Blood Pressure, High Cholesterol and Sleep Apnea (as of last week when I got tested and now waiting for my machine). Wow what a mouth full!

I hope this year brings a new 'title'.... I hope by this time next year I can finally say I am a Mama! But, for now-- another year is gone.

'Happy Birthday MK'

Today would've been my friend MK's 41st birthday.... I miss her so much and have been thinking of her all day (like I do everyday).... I hope she is at peace.... Some times I wish I could talk to her one more time and tell her how much I miss her..... I can't believe that this Thursday she will be gone 4 months already.... Last year her b-day was on Memorial day and we celebrated it with her family....

My hubby came home from the hosptial today! He was in there 1 full week... It was one of the longest week in a long time.... I missed having him here with me and tonight I am appreciating having him back here!

Just wanted to 'wish' MK a happy birthday and give an update on my hubby!