5 years ago today....

5 years ago today.... I was a blushing bride..... I was married my best friend.... I felt like a princess in my gown.....

My hubby and I have been through good times and bad times.... We have grown closer through the tough times...... I love him very much and am so glad to have him in my life.

Happy Anniversary Babe! I love you!

11.11.99- Ten years ago today!

Ten years ago tonight I was at a friend's house for dinner and met my hubby. It wasn't a planned hook up... He stopped by to pick up my friends husband to go somewhere and they introduced us.... He walked in to my life and 'stole' my heart! Actually-- I gave it to him!

We clicked instantly and became a close couple who did (almost) everything together! We still do! It's been an adjustment to have a child in our lives because we are now learning that we can't go everywhere we used to go together... But, we are adjusting! We are on a pool league and I have had to miss a couple weeks to stay home w/ J and my hubby says it's not the same without me.... Being at home 'alone' once J goes to sleep is lonely for me too.... We just like spending time together.

I am so grateful for my hubby being in my life and thank God everyday for bringing him to me....

I love you Babe! Thank you for being not only my hubby but my best friend too!

Bubbles, Feathers & Smashmallows......

I had to take J to the doctor yesterday for a follow up from last weeks visit. He wanted to know if he was going to get a needle.... I told him I did not believe he would need a needle.... To sweeten the pot and make sure it went like last week I told him if he did good and let the doctor check him out I would get him more bubbles for his bubble toy he got on Sunday that came with a tiny jar of bubbles that lasted no time.... So, after the appointment we went searching for bubbles.... Store #1- no luck, Store #2- no luck.... My hubby called while in store #2 and I told him I needed bubbles! He offered to go to another store and look for bubbles.... He called me while I was on my way home and said 'I struck out on bubbles I think-- they are seasonal'-- SEASONAL??? I had no clue that bubbles had a season.... What were we going to do now? My hubby offered to go to another store to find some bubbles.... When he arrived home he had BUBBLES!!! We were saved! He found them at the first store he went too... In the wedding section! If ever in need of bubbles and it's not bubble season, keep this in mind!

J brought home a 'family' homework project home to be completed this week. It was a picture of a Turkey and we have to decorate it.... It gave suggestions of things families have used in the past and I read it to J and he wanted to use feathers.... While on my hunt for bubbles I was also looking for feathers! Store #1 & #2 both did not have feathers either! My wonderful hubby saved the day there too and found 2 types of feathers for J to decorate his project with! Whew another disaster diverted!

While in store #2 J passed by a display of mini marshmallows... He asked if he could have some because 'I love smashmallows!' Who wouldn't let him have them after such a cute and sweet way of saying marshmallows? So, of course I got them for him.... We worked on saying 'marshmallows' instead of smashmallows but, I think it's cuter the way he says it now!

So yesterday was filled with bubbles, feathers and 'smashmallows'!

The honeymoon is over.....

This past weekend has been a rough patch.... since seeing his relatives while leaving day care on Thursday afternoon J's behavior has gotten progressively worse ending the weekend in a huge tantrum last night.... Over nothing... J has been calling us names and telling us repeatedly he doesn't like living with us.... His tantrum was so bad that we called the emergency number but he ended up calming down so we decided not to have them come out. I spoke to his case worker first thing this morning and she had already been notified about the incident and said we did everything right and that 'the honeymoon is over and you are seeing the real J now'.... I asked when they will make a decision what his plan will be-- will he stay or will he go? She said they are not sure when they will make the final decision... They are taking a lot of things into consideration....

A friend asked me what I want to happen.... As hard as the angry times are (and last night was bad let me tell you!) the loving/cuddly times are wonderful! He can go from happy/loving to angry in a matter of minutes and back.... I don't want to give up on him.... Maybe that is part of his problem-- maybe everyone has given up on him and that can't be good for his self esteem right??? I suggested therapy for him (I used to work for a provider that had a mental health department and worked in it for a while so I know a good 'play therapist' that works with young children) but, she said they don't want to start it until they know what his plan is.... HELLO! He needs to get some help & soon!!!! I am going to leave it in their hands..... If he is meant to stay he will stay... If he is meant to go he will go and I will be sad and miss him but after all I want what is best for him....

My hubby is doing ok with all of this.... He stays in the background and lets me handle the tantrums for the most part.... He misses us being able to go and do whatever we want and I do too but, I also know that having a child in our lives (biological or not) means sacrifice.... We will be celebrating 10 years together this Wednesday (11/11) and 5 years of marriage this Friday (11/13).... For 10 yrs it's been just the 2 of us... Now we have someone else to think about, care for and love.... And it is an adjustment I must admit..... But one I have been planning for over 4 years now.

So as we live day to day waiting for the decision to be made about J's plan..... We now know 'the honeymoon is over!'... This is the real J!

Random things from this week....

Our lil guy can be sooo sweet one minute and be sooo angry the next.... I know that this is part of being a 4 yr old... especially one who has had a rocky family life for most of his young life.... I enjoy the sweet times and just try to get through the angry times.... Today was a day filled with a mixture between the two....

We found out this week that J may not be leaving us on Monday... They have not finalized his 'plan' yet and we don't know when/if he will be leaving now.... So, we are just back to living day to day waiting for an answer at some point.... His daycare is closed the Friday after Thanksgiving and the case worker told us we should make plans for him that day if we both have to work... I am guessing that was telling us that he may be here through Thanksgiving....

J is starting to talk about Christmas now.... Tonight as I was putting him down to bed he asked me where he could go to see Santa and who would take him.... I told him I thought someone would take him... He wants to know who.... I can't promise that we can in case he isn't here for Christmas.... It's hard not knowing.... I am trying not to promise him things that I am not sure I will be able to do because if he isn't here the next family may not want/be able to do it and I don't want to let him down.

Thursday afternoon when I went to pick him up from daycare 2 family members were there (this is a big no no!) when we were walking out... They briefly spoke to J and then left.... I wasn't sure how to handle this so, I called his case worker once I was in the car and notified her..... J wouldn't speak or look at me for almost 2 hours afterwards.... I don't know if he was mad at me, them or both..... I am sure it was hard for him... since then he has been talking about his family more.... I try to be supportive but, not sure what to say sometimes.....

When J is having his sweet moments he loves to cuddle and I don't mind! Tonight he called me 'Mommy' once and I am not sure if it was on purpose or by mistake... I didn't really say much... wasn't really sure what to say..... I am not his Mommy and he calls me by my name usually but, maybe he is starting to feel differently or it could've been a slip... I will see if it happens again and ask the case worker for advice on how to handle this..... He makes sure I hear him when he tells me he loves me now.... It's so sweet to hear!

Sorry I haven't been writing much lately but, some days it's exhausting..... I am not complaining though.... I am loving this.... It is a little harder jumping right in with an active 4 yr old.... Most Mommy's start with an infant and gradually adjust to them getting more active.... We jumped in feet first! I am not complaining though.....

Stupid, Ugly Family......

They teach you in PRIDE class that kids will say some hurtful things while they are staying in a foster home as a defense tactic.... Tonight J said "I want to live with my family... I don't want to live with a stupid, ugly family....." I remembered what they said in class so my response to him was: "I know you would like to live with your family but, right now you can't so we are taking care of you for a while. Maybe in the future that will be possible again." After taking his bath he was back to hugging and loving on us... So we were only a stupid, ugly family for a little while!

Yesterday I had to take J to the Dr... I was a little nervous but, he was so good and did very well... All he wanted to know was if he was going to get a needle-- no needles-- Whew! Dodged that bullet!

J is also starting to bond more with my husband.... He went from shaking his hand/giving hi five when leaving or going to bed to hugging him like he does with me.... I think its so cute that he is finally getting close to my hubby but, know it will make it harder on all of us when he leaves.... He has started getting more attached to me as well.... I can't help it though... I can't be a distant person..... I care too much!

We are still expecting J to leave us next week... We wrote an e-mail to the worker asking what the plan is and how it would happen.... We would also like to prepare J but, don't know specifics yet so it's hard to do that....

I can't believe that next week we may be a 'childless' couple again.... It's been fun having J here and I will miss him.... Yes, there have been good times and not so good times... But, I would do it again in a heart beat!

So, I am going to enjoy the next several days with him..... because I know next week will be here before I know it.

Happy Halloween!

"Trick or Treat!"

Our lil Incredible Hulk and his jack-o-lantern!


Getting his face painted by the clown at 'Trunk or Treat' hosted by my hubby's work

Using his muscles to play the pop the balloon game

Playing the throw the ball game!

Our little guy wanted to be Spiderman but, when we went to get it, they didn't have one in his size so, then he saw the Incredible Hulk and wanted that & I think it was soooo much cuter anyway! He loved trick or treating & did a great job! Everyone loved his costume too!

Earlier in the day my husband's work hosted a "Trunk or Treat" and J had a blast! There was a clown doing face painting, cars to 'trick or treat' at and games to play.... It was a fun and safe activity for the kids!


I really enjoyed Halloween this year being able to share it with J and see the joy in his face when people 'pretended' to be scared of him.... He would take off his mask and say 'It's just me' to show them he wasn't really scary! Everyone would point to me and tell him to share his candy with his Mommy and I held my breath each time waiting for him to tell them "She's not my Mommy!" but he didn't... He would just say "Thank You" and run down the steps to show me what he got....


I know Nov 9th will be here too soon but, in the mean time I am just living in the moment and enjoying our time together!


Hope everyone has a....


HAPPY HALLOWEEN!