Happy Thanksgiving!

Our turkey we decorated as our 1st 'family project' w/ J

Playing nintendo DS with his 'cousin' H on Thanksgiving....

One of the napkin rings J & I made for our guests....

Today was Thanksgiving.... It went well.... J loved playing with his 'cousin' H.... They played and played hard! My Mom and brother got him a couple toys when they came which was a nice gesture and he loved them! He did really well with all our family and friends in the house.

This year besides my husband, family, job and health-- I am thankful for having J in our life for however long he is with us......

I hope all of you had a great holiday. Happy Thanksgiving!

Visits....

J had his first visit with his sister since he came to stay with us this past Sunday. It went well. At first he was shy around his sister's foster Mom and little foster sister and kept me close. Eventually I got him interested in puzzles with them and they all had a good time.... We will be doing visits each week and stretching the time out to give them more & more time together each time.... Eventually they want to be able to let them have full weekend visits too....

Monday was his first visit w/ 2 adult family members @ DSS since his placment with us. I was introduced to them and was glad when J ran over to me when he saw me and hugged me.... I was afraid he would be resentful to me.... He seemed to be doing ok as he said good bye to them although he did tell them he wanted to go home with them and but, they said he had to go with me..... He was playing with a toy he got at school and we were trying to tell him not to swing it so that it wouldn't hit anyone and then he had a tantrum. I am not sure if it was due to the visit or just his anger about being corrected. I was able to get good advice from J's sister's foster Mom because she has been doing this for a while and the case worker stayed with us to help him through it and gave some advice and tips....

I asked them both about J calling me Mommy sometimes (not all the time but, sometimes) and they said its ok and perfectly normal.... I would love him to call me it more but, I am not going to say anything just let it take it's course....

Since the visits things have been good. He has really been bonding w/ my hubby.... We took him to get his hair cut tonight and my hubby got his cut too... J told my hubby he wanted him to go first.... J wanted to watch and did a GREAT job when it came time for him! Tonight we were getting things around the house done because we are hosting Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow and he was helping my hubby being a good helper! He told me tonight that he wanted to be like my hubby and wanted to have the same name as my hubby (he is named after his father so, I am thinking he feels like he wants to have the same name as his 'Daddy' here?)

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving... He will be meeting several members of my family for the first time... I have tried to prepare him but, we'll see! My brother's girlfriend's daughter will be here... She is a few years older than J but I think they will get a long ok....

I went out to pool league with my hubby on Monday night and was talking to our close friends about how J was doing.... They told me I am getting too attached to him and they are worried about how I will be if he goes back to his family.... Too attached??? What am I supposed to do be a cold hearted woman??? I know it will be hard if he goes back but, I have to take that risk. This is my last 'chance' to be someones forever Mommy someday. I don't understand what they expect me to do.... I do love him... He is such a smart boy! And when he is not angry he is such a fun, good & loving boy telling me we are his 'best buddies!' Some of the things he says are SO funny! I told him he was 'too stinking cute' the other day and he said "I do not stink!"-- I didn't think about how he wouldn't understand that comment!

Well, I need to get to bed... I need to get some sleep... J doesn't sleep in at all and it's going to be a long, busy day tomorrow preparing my dinner....

Life is like a.....

Right now I would have to say my life is like a roller coaster... I don't like roller coasters!

We are having our good days and not so good days with J right now. I know it's understandable due to his life being turned upside down (again) 4 weeks ago... Yes, J has been with us 4 weeks 1 day.... Seems just like yesterday that lil guy was walking through our door....

J has been having some major behavior/anger issues in the past 2 weeks.... It has been happening at home as well as school.... Wednesday was a bad day for both..... I don't want to go into too many details but, it was bad! Like the downward of the roller coaster.

Today was a good day! The upward of the roller coaster! My hubby had somethings to do today and so J and I hung out, rented some new videos (Shrek & Shrek 2 were the pick this week) and played outside. Then this evening we went to a 'Winterfest of Lights' in a nearby town. J had a blast riding the 'train' and looking at all the light scenes.... He did very well waiting in the long line (which moved faster than I thought!), got a light up 'sword' and even got to see the big guy himself-- Santa. We got his picture taken and he told Santa that he wanted a remote control car. At the end he got a candy cane and a fill in the blank 'Letter to Santa'.... What happened to the child writing his own letter to Santa without being prompted. Here is how it reads:

Dear Santa,
So far this year I have been:
____ very good all of the time.
____ good most of the time.
____ good a lot of the time
____ well, not very good lately.

I am a lot older this year. Please remember when selecting my gifts I am ___ years and ___ months old.

Here is a list of some of the good things I have done this year:
1
2
3
4
5

Here is what I would like the most for Christmas this year:
1
2
3
4

Thank you, Santa, for reading my letter. I promise to be good the rest of the year.

Love,
your friend
_________________

I was laughing as I read it! I will sit down with J soon and let him 'fill out' his letter to Santa although he wants everything he sees on TV and I don't know how we will narrow it down to just 4 things.... We may have to send an attachment! Also, I don't remember telling Santa how old I was when I wrote my letter... Doesn't he know how old all the kids are if he is watching them to see if they are naughty or nice? And I wonder how many kids are going to actually choose: Well, not very good lately. Everyone knows 'naughty' children get coal and coal is not a good Christmas gift! I will let you know what J answers in his letter.

This roller coaster has spilled into my relationship with my hubby.... for 10 yrs it's only been he & I. It is an adjustment in general to all the sudden have a child-- a 4 yr old child to care for. We are doing ok but, sometimes it gets a little stressful especially when J's behavior isn't the best. I understand how he must feel like his life is topsy turby right now and sometimes that is hard for my hubby. We are talking it out though and getting through it. The plan is they are still considering us 'respite' and are continuing to look for a long term placement for the siblings so we don't know how long J will be with us.

It's hard not to be able to go out too pool league w/ my hubby every week when I can't get my sis to watch him. She is finishing her last semester of college right now and it's a heavy load so I do understand 100% and want her to do her best. I am so proud of her and can't believe in less than a month she will have her degree and I will be there to cheer her on. I also have waited over 4 years to have a child in my life and am willing to stay home and care for him.

Tomorrow we have scheduled J's first visit w/ his sister since he has been staying with us.... I talked to him about it tonight b/c J is a smart boy and I wanted to let him know. We are taking him to her foster home and will get him comfortable then we may run some errands while he stays and plays. He asked me if we would be picking him up and I assured him he would be coming home with us (because he seemed worried) back to our house... He seems excited to see her...

Tomorrow's conversation after his visit will be telling him he gets to visit w/ 2 of his adult family members on Monday afternoon. I am wondering how his behavior will be after that visit. That may be harder on him. We'll see. DSS is picking him up from school and taking him back to the agency for those visits and I will be picking him up. I hope he has a good time and it's not too hard on him. I will let you know how it goes.

Thanksgiving is on Thursday. We are hosting it this year. I am excited for my family that lives away to meet J and also nervous on how he will react to having so many people in our house at once... Several he has never met before. I have planned to make some decorations tomorrow that he can 'show off' that day to help him break the ice with them. I am also going to tell him his room is his space and if he gets over whelmed he can go in his room and no one will 'bother' him.

Ok, I need to get some sleep. He gets up pretty early in the morning! Good night...

5 years ago today....

5 years ago today.... I was a blushing bride..... I was married my best friend.... I felt like a princess in my gown.....

My hubby and I have been through good times and bad times.... We have grown closer through the tough times...... I love him very much and am so glad to have him in my life.

Happy Anniversary Babe! I love you!

11.11.99- Ten years ago today!

Ten years ago tonight I was at a friend's house for dinner and met my hubby. It wasn't a planned hook up... He stopped by to pick up my friends husband to go somewhere and they introduced us.... He walked in to my life and 'stole' my heart! Actually-- I gave it to him!

We clicked instantly and became a close couple who did (almost) everything together! We still do! It's been an adjustment to have a child in our lives because we are now learning that we can't go everywhere we used to go together... But, we are adjusting! We are on a pool league and I have had to miss a couple weeks to stay home w/ J and my hubby says it's not the same without me.... Being at home 'alone' once J goes to sleep is lonely for me too.... We just like spending time together.

I am so grateful for my hubby being in my life and thank God everyday for bringing him to me....

I love you Babe! Thank you for being not only my hubby but my best friend too!

Bubbles, Feathers & Smashmallows......

I had to take J to the doctor yesterday for a follow up from last weeks visit. He wanted to know if he was going to get a needle.... I told him I did not believe he would need a needle.... To sweeten the pot and make sure it went like last week I told him if he did good and let the doctor check him out I would get him more bubbles for his bubble toy he got on Sunday that came with a tiny jar of bubbles that lasted no time.... So, after the appointment we went searching for bubbles.... Store #1- no luck, Store #2- no luck.... My hubby called while in store #2 and I told him I needed bubbles! He offered to go to another store and look for bubbles.... He called me while I was on my way home and said 'I struck out on bubbles I think-- they are seasonal'-- SEASONAL??? I had no clue that bubbles had a season.... What were we going to do now? My hubby offered to go to another store to find some bubbles.... When he arrived home he had BUBBLES!!! We were saved! He found them at the first store he went too... In the wedding section! If ever in need of bubbles and it's not bubble season, keep this in mind!

J brought home a 'family' homework project home to be completed this week. It was a picture of a Turkey and we have to decorate it.... It gave suggestions of things families have used in the past and I read it to J and he wanted to use feathers.... While on my hunt for bubbles I was also looking for feathers! Store #1 & #2 both did not have feathers either! My wonderful hubby saved the day there too and found 2 types of feathers for J to decorate his project with! Whew another disaster diverted!

While in store #2 J passed by a display of mini marshmallows... He asked if he could have some because 'I love smashmallows!' Who wouldn't let him have them after such a cute and sweet way of saying marshmallows? So, of course I got them for him.... We worked on saying 'marshmallows' instead of smashmallows but, I think it's cuter the way he says it now!

So yesterday was filled with bubbles, feathers and 'smashmallows'!

The honeymoon is over.....

This past weekend has been a rough patch.... since seeing his relatives while leaving day care on Thursday afternoon J's behavior has gotten progressively worse ending the weekend in a huge tantrum last night.... Over nothing... J has been calling us names and telling us repeatedly he doesn't like living with us.... His tantrum was so bad that we called the emergency number but he ended up calming down so we decided not to have them come out. I spoke to his case worker first thing this morning and she had already been notified about the incident and said we did everything right and that 'the honeymoon is over and you are seeing the real J now'.... I asked when they will make a decision what his plan will be-- will he stay or will he go? She said they are not sure when they will make the final decision... They are taking a lot of things into consideration....

A friend asked me what I want to happen.... As hard as the angry times are (and last night was bad let me tell you!) the loving/cuddly times are wonderful! He can go from happy/loving to angry in a matter of minutes and back.... I don't want to give up on him.... Maybe that is part of his problem-- maybe everyone has given up on him and that can't be good for his self esteem right??? I suggested therapy for him (I used to work for a provider that had a mental health department and worked in it for a while so I know a good 'play therapist' that works with young children) but, she said they don't want to start it until they know what his plan is.... HELLO! He needs to get some help & soon!!!! I am going to leave it in their hands..... If he is meant to stay he will stay... If he is meant to go he will go and I will be sad and miss him but after all I want what is best for him....

My hubby is doing ok with all of this.... He stays in the background and lets me handle the tantrums for the most part.... He misses us being able to go and do whatever we want and I do too but, I also know that having a child in our lives (biological or not) means sacrifice.... We will be celebrating 10 years together this Wednesday (11/11) and 5 years of marriage this Friday (11/13).... For 10 yrs it's been just the 2 of us... Now we have someone else to think about, care for and love.... And it is an adjustment I must admit..... But one I have been planning for over 4 years now.

So as we live day to day waiting for the decision to be made about J's plan..... We now know 'the honeymoon is over!'... This is the real J!

Random things from this week....

Our lil guy can be sooo sweet one minute and be sooo angry the next.... I know that this is part of being a 4 yr old... especially one who has had a rocky family life for most of his young life.... I enjoy the sweet times and just try to get through the angry times.... Today was a day filled with a mixture between the two....

We found out this week that J may not be leaving us on Monday... They have not finalized his 'plan' yet and we don't know when/if he will be leaving now.... So, we are just back to living day to day waiting for an answer at some point.... His daycare is closed the Friday after Thanksgiving and the case worker told us we should make plans for him that day if we both have to work... I am guessing that was telling us that he may be here through Thanksgiving....

J is starting to talk about Christmas now.... Tonight as I was putting him down to bed he asked me where he could go to see Santa and who would take him.... I told him I thought someone would take him... He wants to know who.... I can't promise that we can in case he isn't here for Christmas.... It's hard not knowing.... I am trying not to promise him things that I am not sure I will be able to do because if he isn't here the next family may not want/be able to do it and I don't want to let him down.

Thursday afternoon when I went to pick him up from daycare 2 family members were there (this is a big no no!) when we were walking out... They briefly spoke to J and then left.... I wasn't sure how to handle this so, I called his case worker once I was in the car and notified her..... J wouldn't speak or look at me for almost 2 hours afterwards.... I don't know if he was mad at me, them or both..... I am sure it was hard for him... since then he has been talking about his family more.... I try to be supportive but, not sure what to say sometimes.....

When J is having his sweet moments he loves to cuddle and I don't mind! Tonight he called me 'Mommy' once and I am not sure if it was on purpose or by mistake... I didn't really say much... wasn't really sure what to say..... I am not his Mommy and he calls me by my name usually but, maybe he is starting to feel differently or it could've been a slip... I will see if it happens again and ask the case worker for advice on how to handle this..... He makes sure I hear him when he tells me he loves me now.... It's so sweet to hear!

Sorry I haven't been writing much lately but, some days it's exhausting..... I am not complaining though.... I am loving this.... It is a little harder jumping right in with an active 4 yr old.... Most Mommy's start with an infant and gradually adjust to them getting more active.... We jumped in feet first! I am not complaining though.....

Stupid, Ugly Family......

They teach you in PRIDE class that kids will say some hurtful things while they are staying in a foster home as a defense tactic.... Tonight J said "I want to live with my family... I don't want to live with a stupid, ugly family....." I remembered what they said in class so my response to him was: "I know you would like to live with your family but, right now you can't so we are taking care of you for a while. Maybe in the future that will be possible again." After taking his bath he was back to hugging and loving on us... So we were only a stupid, ugly family for a little while!

Yesterday I had to take J to the Dr... I was a little nervous but, he was so good and did very well... All he wanted to know was if he was going to get a needle-- no needles-- Whew! Dodged that bullet!

J is also starting to bond more with my husband.... He went from shaking his hand/giving hi five when leaving or going to bed to hugging him like he does with me.... I think its so cute that he is finally getting close to my hubby but, know it will make it harder on all of us when he leaves.... He has started getting more attached to me as well.... I can't help it though... I can't be a distant person..... I care too much!

We are still expecting J to leave us next week... We wrote an e-mail to the worker asking what the plan is and how it would happen.... We would also like to prepare J but, don't know specifics yet so it's hard to do that....

I can't believe that next week we may be a 'childless' couple again.... It's been fun having J here and I will miss him.... Yes, there have been good times and not so good times... But, I would do it again in a heart beat!

So, I am going to enjoy the next several days with him..... because I know next week will be here before I know it.